Sunday, May 16, 2010

Body Image Blows

This is my cry for help!
I consider myself a pretty up front and accepting individual when it comes to things. I've never had issues with anything on my body. I've always been happy to be short, to my beautiful chocolate complexion, to be thick, to have my signature "Fox" nose, to have the hair that I have. Nothing ever bothered me. I never wanted to change anything. Never wanted to be anything less than what God created me as.
That was then. THIS is now.
I hate to be critical of myself because I don't like putting myself down. Reducing myself. Its not too healthy (mentally). Unfortunately, that has changed. Over the past year I've gained 45 pounds. 45 straight to the thighs and belly, permanently (or temporarily if your optimistic) disfiguring my curvy shape and hindering me from having a stress free morning when its time to get dressed for work!
I call it "Getting in a fight with my clothes," and most days I get my ass kicked! What gets me the most about my clothing fights is the sheer fact that most of the stuff that used to fit, FIT a couple of weeks to a month ago. Therefore meaning I am (and I have) gained weight at an excellerated rate.
When I finished college in 2008, I decided to change my life around. I joined a gym, stopped eating Pork and Beef, kept a food journal, drank water, controlled my portions, you name it. That all changed when my professions changed.
The harder and longer I worked. The less I ate. The less I ate, the MORE I ate when I ate. I went to the gym once a week if at all. It was a mess. I completely let my work and my life ruin my health and my body. Something I had worked so hard on in the first place.
When I was fit (not skinny per se, but in better physical condition and a bit smaller) I was running, without use of my Asthma inhaler. A HUGE feat for me. I was happy. People could tell the difference. I could tell the difference.
And now...I WANT IT BACK! I started back running. Little bits at a time. I try to work out 3 days a week at the gym and if I don't I run/walk my neighborhood and I do crunches at home. I'm back on my water regiment, I'm watching my portions, I'm making good food choices and I'm taking my vitamins (multivitamin, Flaxseed Oil and B-12 for a metabolism boost).
I'm tired of secretly hating the way I look and crying everytime I get dressed. I'm tired of wearing a body slimmer and not being able to breathe. I'm tired of wearing the same clothes (in different combinations) because nothing else will pull up past my knees. I'm tired of people thinking I'm with child (please don't jinx me). But, most importantly I'm tired of being tired!
I set a goal, to get back down to the 150 I've always been. If I can get back into my size 8 and size 10 clothes, I'll be fine. If I get to a 6 or 7-8, hey, that will be an added bonus, but that's where I'm drawing the line. There is nothing more I love than being thick and curvy. I wasn't called Chocolate Thunder for nothing. I jus want to be comfortable again. I want to go in a store and pick up a nice, slim fitting dress and wear the HELL out of it without a thought.
Jovani will be resurrected. I guarantee that!
Until next time... 

1 comment:

  1. You can do it!! Anyone can do it... Just remember the only person that can get in the way of you accomplishing anything is yourself. You are your biggest fan and your biggest enemy....Find the balance..... you are your ying to ur yang =)